I feel...

I had so much going through my mind all day and right before this page loaded it all just went blank.. I feel lost.. I feel numb.. I FEEL unloved.. I feel damaged.. I feel torn.. I FEEL useless.. I feel incompetent.. I feel like I'm going crazy in my head.. I feel like I HAVE to be strong and put up a brave smile..

I cried today as I got up to close my curtains.. I wanted to talk to him so badly.. I feel like he could comfort me.. I need him to comfort me.. I don't know.. I feel like it might happen again.. and I'm scared because this time I'm all alone! 

She got it.

She had a meeting with AKU today, I called her to ask how it went and she replied, "they offered me a research position, my pay would depend on the project I work on. I'm so excited to start in two weeks time."

The minute she said those words my life seemed like a dead end. No ambitions, no aspirations, no goals, no motive to move forward, WHY?! I know I can do SO much better, then why does it always feel like I can't.

SIGH

I need to find myself a job. Sure, working as a part time HR consultant half-heartedly is something but I need more. I feel like she's winning, is she? She applied two weeks back and got it. Where as, I got rejected by Summit Bank which I hoped to get into, just for the sake of it. I need inspiration! I need to get off my ass and stop procrastinating so much! I need a knight in shining armor! I NEED to stop whining!

AAHHHHH!!!

Something to ponder on: Am I good enough to land a kick ass job?! Hmph!

So, much for striving to change!

Today's the day!

It screamed at the top of its lungs, it echoed within the four walls of the purple-walled room. I thought to myself that it would stop on it's own but it kept ringing. Finally, after much procrastination I decided to just get out of bed and introduce the phone to the floor. By that time, it stopped ringing! It was clearly too late for me to fall back into la la land, so instead I lit a smoke and sat there pondering as to why I liked him so much. I dream of him almost every night, I can't stop thinking about him, yet I felt like I needed to let go. What made him so special? He's clearly way out of my league!

As I step in front of the mirror, I instantly think to myself,

"It's time.. it's time to change.. get your bloody act straight.. get off your ass and paint the city red!"

For a minute my mind is set to do so, till my fingers do the unimaginable. A few quick click-clicks and I hear a hello from the strange black and orange talking device. Everything disappears.. it is just me, the phone and him at the other end. 

Shit. At least the feeling to change lasted for a good 10 mins this time. Better luck tomorrow?! *fingers crossed*